since my diagnosis in april 08, i’ve become very familiar with the center. i know most of the nurses, all of the plebotomists, the financial coordinator, where the back staircase is, which cupboard has the free tampons, where the good magazines are kept. i know them well enough that they notice if i got my hair cut or if i have on new earrings. for those new to my story; the abridged version: dozens of ultrasounds, MRI, surgery to remove a tennis ball sized cyst from my right ovary, acupuncture, bloodwork, more bloodwork, hours and hours of research, several months of injectables, several more cysts, 4 unsuccessful IUIs to date…
i have grown in ways i could only imagine. i have learned what i am like in a complete emotional crisis. i have sat still with my own pain and emptiness. i have learned how to hold two entirely different emotions in my hands and embrace them both. i have started to let go of the need to be in control. i have learned it is what it is. i’ve learning nothing is ever perfect and there is no better than here. there comes with its own set of challenges and rewards. i have started to find more gratitude in the simple joys of living. i have learned what makes a marriage work. i have felt the overwhelming love and support from my friends and family. i’ve learning it is ok to lean on someone and to encourage that person to lean on you back.
in december of 08, after one of the darkest times in my life, i came to a place where i could start to see bits of light scatter through the tree tops and i put our name on the list of couples asking to receive donor eggs. the wait, six months to a year.
two weeks ago, i was informed that our name had come to the top of the list. i’ve decided that i’m not ready yet.
i need more time to grieve the loss of my own, biological kids. to fully understand that these DE kids are very different kids. that my lineage and bloodline will end with me, while my husbands will carry on with these kids. i am very excited at the possibility of carrying my husband’s baby. lately, people have been telling me that i will forget that they are not mine. i think they do it because they want me to feel that someday i will feel normal about how i conceive. i know it comes from a place of compassion. but i don’t want to forget that they are not mine. i want to remember all of it, how amazing this opportunity is.. how amazing it is that some woman i will never meet will influence my life so profoundly.