yesterday was a hard day. i went in for my fifth and final IUI. i had gotten so used to the process (the shots, the ultrasounds) and when i took my hcg shot, i remember thinking, this is the last shot i will ever have to take. i requested that my dr do the insemination since it was my last one and was very happy to see him in the exam room. after it was over and i was lying on the table with my hips up staring up at the mobile dangling above my head, i called b. i told him where i was and that i just wanted to hear his voice. and then i started crying.
“i really wanted us to have a child together.”
“i know you did. i did, too.”
“i am glad it’s me, it would kill me if it were you.”
“i wish it were me.”
if it had to be one of us that is broken, i am glad it’s me. it’s such a dark and lonely place at times and i am so grateful that i have his support and strength. i don’t know if i could be as strong for him. i have a habit of just falling apart whenever something remotely upsetting happens to him. once, when we were biking through the woods, i saw him fall off his bike and before i knew what was happening, i was hysterical. this is a 32 year old man, mind you, that jumped right up, screaming, “i’m ok!, i’m ok!”… and i cried for another half mile. i love him so much i just want to wrap him up in bubble wrap and put him in a glass jar with a lid that i can carry with me everywhere so nothing bad happens to him ever. when i think of him, i am filled with gratitude. he loves me, even though i am broken.