today is my 34th birthday. or, as my mother kindly put it, the 7th anniversary of my 27th birthday. currently, i am sitting on my back deck at my wrought iron table with the big cherry red umbrella, drinking a glass of pinot grigio. It’s warm and sunny with a slight breeze and the birds are busy flying about gathering up their dinner. A few hours ago, i returned from a week in New Hampshire, on Lake Winnipasaukee. The week was filled with power yoga most mornings, followed by green tea and oatmeal and then most of the day on the boat, wakeboarding, then dinner on the grill and games, movies or making s’mores and then falling into bed exhausted and excited for the next days adventure. It was amazing.
I haven’t been on a family trip in 13 years. It was mom, dad, sister, her BF, me and my DH. We had other guests here and there but was mostly just us 6. It was just the kind of escape I had been hoping it would be. The day before we left for the trip north, was my last day at the little web design company where I have spent my days account managing for the last year and a half. In two weeks, i will be starting a corporate design job in Hartford as a full time freelancer, and I am very much looking forward to the change of pace. Granted, I hate corporate life, but at least i will be designing, its closer to my house, for more money, more flexibility.
For the next two weeks I plan on immersing myself in things that make me happy, fulfilled and inspired. This includes: finishing up the landscaping in the front of the house, practicing yoga every single day, spending time with my friends that are stay at home moms (which means i get to squeeze some babies little cheeks!), visiting my mom and sister, writing, painting, cooking taking care of a bunch of house responsibilities (not so inspiring but need to be done anyway) cleaning out closets and donating anything I haven’t touched in the last year.
One night after a very full day out in the sun on the boat, we went back to the lakehouse and my mom picked up her guitar. And she sang her guts out. We all did. The Beatles, CCR, folks songs, girl scout camp songs, patriotic songs. It reminded me of when i was a little girl and my mom would play for me and my sister and we would sing our hearts out. Life was so simple. I had no idea of the pain of loss, or the disappointments and dark times that would lie ahead. And while my mom played, my heart almost burst. For the excitement of having a little baby who could grow up with my mom as their grandmother. In that moment, it seemed so simple. I’ll have a baby and my mom will play guitar for them. I had momentarily forgotten about the struggles of my own relationship with my mom, the fears I have about what having a child will do to brian and my relationship, the pain of knowing that nothing is a sure thing and thing could not work, and through all that the same thought kept resonnating with me… why wait?
Monday morning I will call susan the donor egg nurse and tell her that I am ready to start the search.