the little room

today was inspiring. it started very early. the morning doves sawing wood and i was brushing my teeth. brian and i went to the center to review the files i had seen on wednesday. the donor nurse met us and brought us into the little blue room with the desk and the phone and left the stack of files on the table between us. she closed the door. we came up with two favorites. of the two, we each have our own favorite donor, but we are both ok with both options. it was much easier with him there and i think it made the process more real for him. we both had 8:30 meetings that we had to race off for, but talked and hugged a little in the parking lot. brian seemed to be where i was on wednesday after seeing the files for the first time. confused, excited! overwhelmed, unsure, nervous, happy. this is what we have been talking about for the last year and it’s very close to actually happening.

in the last 2 years, i have had a lot of time to think about parenthood… about what it means to be a mom, how this will effect me as a person, me as a wife, me as a friend. how it will effect my independence, my career, my relationship with my parents, on how it will effect brian. i think about the 30% chance that we will have twins. about the 25% chance that we won’t get pregnant. always thinking. paying attention to people with kids. understanding the good and the bad, the vin and the yang.

i have been also doing some research/reading about building families through DE. I read “having your baby through egg donation” and it has been helpful, but also introduced ideas to me that i hadn’t thought about before.. no time like the present to work on yourself, i guess. i have started “mommies, daddies, donors and surrogates“, but it’s very statistical and dry. it’s good for legal questions and case studies about different scenarios.

after a hot vinyasa practice tonight (taught by my friend, K), we had edamame and clear noodle soup at this little thai/lao restaurant in hartford. it used to be a dinner and was converted but still has the shape and seating of a diner, but now has straw hats and red and gold curtains hung on little bamboo rings between the booths. I was telling her about all the reading and preparing i have been doing and she laughs and asks me why.. making the observation that there is no need to over think it, it’s a choice we are making, we make it, we move on. why get so deep, why peel back all the layers now? agreed it’s a bigger decision than most, but in the whole realm of the universe, in the course of our lives, or our many lives, it’s only a moment in time. i am very receptive to her, and could step back and watch my self with a lightness and openness. i was amused. it is one choice. and no matter who we choose as our donor, or if we decided to not have kids, or decided to put it off for years .. we would never know how the other choice would turn out. might be better, might be worse, but we would never know. chances are, it would just be different. just once choice. one of the millions of choices that make up our life.

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