onward

the drs office called today very early. i was very surprised to hear from them.. i had just gotten into work and had just flipped on my light when the phone started ringing. i usually have to stalk them each week to see what going on. the donor we like has finally sent in some photos.
we go see them tomorrow at 7:45. i very much would like to use her so tomorrow could be the day we get this show on the road. *threw up a little in my mouth as i wrote that*

i had a wonderful week. we got in a ton of riding, the weather has been hot, the water is therapeutic. i am much less sad this summer than i was last summer. this summer is so drastically different than last summer. and yet nothing has really changed. i have accepted that it’s out of my hands and that has shifted my perspective. it gave me some power back. moving forward is going to be on our terms. my uncooperative ovaries are out of it. which is good, because i am still mad at them. I might always be.

the online community of people blogging on this and related topics is nothing short of amazing. i often climb into bed at night with our macbook pro fully intending to blog, and i end up wrapped all up in other peoples blogs into the wee hours of the night, the glow of the screen lighting up the room, my sweet husband hiding his face under the covers so he can get some sleep. thank you, bloggers. you have shared the most intimate details of your sadness and joy with the world and have given others strength and hope. thank you.

i am giddy and terrified. In one of the books i am reading it talks about the psychology of people who become parents after hardships with infertility and how it effects them as parents. many of them become over protective or live in constant fear that something will go wrong throughout their pregnancy or once the baby is born. i am working on managing my expectations and fears. i am working on letting it go.

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