today was a pretty good day. i have hives from maybe the lupron or the bcp, but that is really my only side effect right now, so i am happy. today was long, but am focusing on being present. walking, driving, working, yoga, cooking, resting… all while breathing and taking it all in. i reminded my students tonight at yoga that the tool that we have that keeps us fully present, fully aware, right on our mats, is the breath. how amazing it must be to live in the present. i am working on it.
i have gotten some very wonderful and heartwarming support from readers of this blog and i thank you. it means so much to me to connect with people on the same path and to share my story. what are we here for if not to assure others that they are not alone?
last night i had some very disturbing dreams, which is not unusual for me. very often i wake up brian in the middle of the night, screaming, or yelling something disturbing like “someone is in this room!!” i am working with my therapist on getting a handle on them, becoming more aware of where they are coming from and paying more attention to the emotions of the dream and how it relates to my walking life. i have had a reoccuring dream for as long as i can remember, a dream where i was trying to get ready to go somewhere, school or work, and i jump in the shower, only to find that my clothes won’t come off. they come off, but grow back. i take off my socks, only to look down and see that i have 2 or 3 pairs on. they keep growing back. lately this dream has resurfaced. i have come to understand that this is a frustration dream, that is the emotional tie to my waking life. frustration. um, well, duh.
last night, though, it was more horror and fear. i was in my old neighborhood that i lived in up until the time i was 7. we were at the neighbors house, and they were having a fire in the backyard. i remember looking out toward the front of the house to see people tied up to trees, hands bound. i remember looking for my dad to take me home, but it was so dark i couldn’t see or make out any of the faces. some of the people at the fire were yelling things at me, ridiculing me for being afraid.