the doctors office just called me, my donor starts her stims tonight. small victory, moving forward. I am moving on to 2 patches and brian starts his antibiotics. i am still on 5 units of lupron. it’s not affecting me like it did last time, maybe because i am telling myself that it’s not affecting me. my plans for the next two weeks are to slow down. read, knit, somevrestorative yoga, small house projects. it’s not in my nature to rest, but i am going to work on it. my body needs it.
more of my day is becoming enveloped by thoughts of babies and children. yesterday brian and i went to west hartford, had lunch at counterburger. we had never been there but i got to sample a garden burger at an event i went to at the society room a few weeks ago, so i wanted to pop over for a larger version. it was delicious, full of beans and sprouts. i spent most of the meal thinking about what this all means. about how it will change us. how growing our family means things will get very complicated. i was angry at brian at this lunch, because he had decided that he was not going to go wakeboarding, and then spend much of the afternoon upset with me, for the choice he made. he didn’t own his choice, he redirected the anger he felt at himself onto me. we ate in silence. i thought about how we will need to get over these things quickly when we have kids. and so will i. moving on. counterburger is a popular spot for families. i took it all in, the parents, the children, the screaming, the tantrums, the exhaustion on their faces every one of the dozens of times they had to pick up a straw or a fork or a crayon from the floor… we were sitting by the window and i saw a mom completely loose it with her 6 year old. he was screaming about something, she grabbed his cheeks and squeezed the hell out of em! it’s apparent that it’s moment to moment with children. you can’t hold grudges, you have to move on. i imagine that later that afternoon when he was taking a nap, she was able to look at his little sleeping face and maybe the memory fades of what it was that he did to piss her off. they teach you to live in the present, right in this moment.
after lunch, we made a stop at a close friends house. they have a 1 year old, they were all out working and playing in the yard. it was a beautifully sunny fall afternoon. they are happy. tired and worried, but very happy. they have had many obstacles in building their family as well. it made my heart sing to see their very active little boy, in a puma soccer jumpsuit that we gave him for his birthday, running all over the yard. the two of them looking on, sweetly. you have to make things happen to get the life you want. brian later apologized for acting the way he did. i knew he would. i forgave him. i am tired. the waiting is so tiring. but i know that i am resiliant. and excited. and my heart is smiling.