on pause

i know only a little more now than i did at 5:30 this morning, standing over the sink in my bathroom, the whole world still dark and sleepy. today was my pregnancy blood test. last night, i took a home test and squinted to see a faint (very faint) second line. i was surprised, but didn’t take it to mean i was pregnant.. i actually had pretty much decided that i was not. i feel no different. this morning, i repeated the test with first morning urine, same thing.. faint (very faint) second line. I went in for blood work this morning, and then took the day off of work. at least today i will have a definitive answer, and can move on with my life. Brian took the day off to be with me. we raked up the  leaves, went out for sushi, did some errands in town. it was nice to be out of the house.

This afternoon, candy my donor nurse, called with the results.

“Your test is positive, but your level of hcg is very low. we like to see 25 and you are only at 17. you need to repeat this test on monday and we like to see your numbers double each day.”

I asked her if this means i am miscarrying. she said, no, but sometimes this is what a biochemical pregnancy looks like. i looked that up when i got home and the best definition i could find was “a very early miscarriage, usually before the woman ever notices she’s pregnant”

so, as of right now, as i type this, i am only a little bit pregnant. it’s good that i am used to living in this limbo, in the pauses in between blood tests, appointments and phone calls. yesterday on route 2 a car pulled in front of me with a bumper sticker, the meaning of life is to live it. i’m trying.


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