small case for optimism

yesterday i went in for bloodwork fully expecting them to tell me that my hcg had gone down. i was prepared for it. i had an afternoon meeting and when i got back to my desk i had a text from brian:

“the center called. your numbers have gone up quite a bit. hcg is 40. now. it is still very guarded but more optimistic. keep with the shots and go back in one week for another blood test.”

i was excited to hear this, but i still have the black cloud of  hysteria hanging over me. i am dealing with the frustration that even when i get mildly good news, it comes with a disclaimer. they didn’t say, ” congrats, you’re pregnant” they said, “your test came back positive, but…”

the distance between today and one week from today might as well the distance from my memory foam bed to the top of kilimanjaro, so it’s good for me that i am teaching yoga every night and two classes on saturday morning. i operate better in a distraction. i have written this before, but it applies now as well, it’s truly, truly out of my hands. i am working to embrace that concept.


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