living with uncertainty

that is this weeks lesson. it has been unbearable, living in limbo, living with the ‘not knowing’.
Its funny that we are all living with uncertainty, there are no guarantees, but it’s not something we think about on a day to day basis, which is a beautiful thing.

i’ve spent too much time researching “low beta numbers”. i’m completely distracted at work.
i have been up and down a million times this week.

here is the summary of what i found:

many pregnancies with low betas numbers to start have delivered healthy babies. UP.
a low level reading to start often signals an impending miscarriage. DOWN.
It’s not so much the number, as the increase between two readings. (My beta has risen 60% in 3 days.) UP.
85% of healthy pregnancies start with a first reading of 25+ and a second of 100+. Mine were 14 and 40. DOWN.
I have virtually no symptoms with this pregnancy. My boobs are slightly sore but thats it.
Tomorrow I go for another beta reading so hopefully I got some good news.. or some news that lets me move in one direction or another. I am humbled by the complexity of this process and am working to find happiness in the simple things, watching Mad Men with Brian, baking, going for long fall walks in the damp woods, taking in fresh air, teaching yoga, focusing on whatever happens, we will be ok.


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