i am hanging in, like the little kitten in the poster, hanging from the tree branch. hanging in there, baby. it is probably close to 2.5 months before our next transfer, and i am ok. i have made the choice to live in these moments, to know that there is another chance for us and to enjoy this time. it’s hard. every day, when i wake up, the first thing i think of is that i am no longer pregnant, that after putting all my hopes in our last transfer, that it did not work out for us. i can’t believe it didn’t work. when i was so sure it was going to work, it had to work, it didn’t work. but i can roll over and reach out from brian and we can hug and squish our bodies against eachother and squeeze with all our might. and i can sniff his cheek right by his ear and it smells like him, like fresh linens, like a long delicious sleep.
tonight, while teaching yoga, when the students were in savasana, i starting to think about the possibilities. there are choices for us to make. how to build our family, how we will make it happen, will we start the adoption process? when? and for the first time, i started to feel some relief, that it will happen exactly as it was meant to.. on our timeline. not somebody elses. for the last few years, whenever i would hear of someone getting pregnant that was my age or older, i would think, ok, so i still have time, at 34 i can still do this. i’ve stopped with the comparisons. and it is entirely liberating. we are living our lives, and not other peoples, so why would it matter when they do anything?
i am looking for the wonderful in the mundane. for the blessings in everyday. with each moment of gratitude, my heart is opening.