i have moved on. i am feeling great.  i am only looking forward and right next to me. brian has been amazing and we are focusing on the now. the house is newly decorated for the season, oversized striped knit stockings on the banister, wreaths on the doors, clear glass ornaments hanging from the curtain rods on white ribbons, candles in the windows. we decided to not get a big tree this year, and instead do a small rooted pine that we can plant out in the woods when the ground thaws. we have done this before and it’s a different feeling..  instead of bigger and brighter,  it’s gentler, more meaningful, kinder, simpler.

the happiest people don’t have the best of everything… they make the best of everything.

i have been spending some time in my basement, running on the treadmill, watching movies. last week i saw juno. i was a fan from the first scene and the soundtrack was so cool and edgy. i think i heard some john prine in there but i can’t be sure. i had been avoiding movies about pregnancy, but when it came in the mail off my netflix cue, i was like, wtf.  what am i running from?  it was inspiring. the next day i watched dear zachary: a letter to a son about his father… so hard to watch but an extremely well told story, a memorial, really,  about growth and truth and love and sadness and intense grief and the strength that some people have to keep going long after they want to give up, to keep putting one foot in front of the other, to keep fighting. i ran and ran and ran that day.


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