defeated

today is day 5 on lupron and i want to scream. i am just not myself.  i feel completely defeated.

i know it’s not me, it not my mind dishing out all the negative self talk, it’s the drugs, but it still feels pretty bad. i remember reading online, someone refered to lupron as “the personality killer”…  yeah. exactly.
this weekend was filled with junk food, working and housekeeping. maybe that’s why i’m depressed. I am doing my best to take some deep breaths and remind myself that it’s just the drugs… just the drugs.. just the drugs.

my dreams have been even more insane than usual. i have considered that sometimes while i sleep, i am being spiritually attacked. my mother (the most irish and catholic woman i have ever known) swears that those are not real and not sanctioned by the pope as existing and i am trying to take comfort in that. i have dreamed that i am being possessed.. that my body is being controlled, being taken over by evil spirits and there is nothing i can do but scream out. i have scared brian to death more than once by screaming out, i’m not dead! or what the hell is going on! even more intense is when i wake up standing up on my bed. my therapist thinks it’s because my life seems so out of control right now, that i have no control over my body and it’s not responding well to all the different treatments we have been through. i am not sure what it is, but i want it to stop. i am working on it. i am recognizing all the ways i am in control and trying to respect my body for what it can do instead of hating it for what it can’t.

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