a dark post

i am trying to stay calm. today i am frustrated and anxious. i can’t believe i have to carry on with my life outside of infertility.  i was supposed to get my period on day 10-11 of lupron.. today is day 13 and nothing. i called the nurse today to tell her a. i changed my healthcare and b. i am still waiting. she seemed concerned that i still haven’t bled and wants me to come in tomorrow for bloodwork. i hope this does not cancel this cycle.  i am so sick and tired of waiting. i have waited months for this cycle to start and i am 3 weeks away from my FET. I wait and wait. My life revolves around waiting.  i waited in the lobby of the car dealership this afternoon while they changed my spark plugs. i waited for my new pharmacy to call me to set up delivery of my new prescription. (they never did) i wait and i wait and i wait and i am so fucking sick of waiting. if my life were a painting.. it would be a circle of white.. and outside of the white would be beautiful purples and grass greens, blues the color of the city sky at dusk, intense oranges and reds… and where i live, right now, is right smack dab in the middle of the fucking white.

i called brian from the car on the way to have dinner with some friends. i was so not into going, but i went anyway. i am so frustrated. nothing is cooperating. i just want to throw down my needles and give up. stop all the appointments and the waiting. i am so tired of waiting. i know you are, he said. it’s been a long time. i miss the beginning of our marriage, when it was all about us, and we just lived our life.. and our problems were small problems. like someone left the ice cream out over night. i miss that, too, he said.

i have thought about stopping thousands of times. but stopping does not get me anywhere. it does not allow me to have a baby. stopping does not allow me the life that i so deeply want. the life that involves being a mom. so, i wait.


2 responses to “a dark post

  1. to keep on waiting i a frustrating experience indeed.I can feel what you go through and I wish you the best of luck , just be patient and self-determined and you ‘ll make it .

  2. I hope your bloodwork sheds light on this for you. I bet you are just a couple days behind. Dang lupron! I seriously hate it. This whole ride is a big emotional roller coaster. Hang in there!

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