update: i am back on track. a little behind, but my next transfer is scheduled for 12 days from now. i am hopeful but also cautious to not get my hopes up. the last one ended tragically and i keep wondering if it was the embryo quality or my body. This time i have been doing weekly acupuncture and will have a treatment the morning of my transfer. I have been trying not to think too much into the future, but both my sister and my acupuncturist have noted if i get pregnant this time, it will deliver a thanksgiving baby. this past thanksgiving, i was in the midst of a miscarriage and still had 20 people over for turkey.
i went to kripalu this past weekend with another yoga teacher friend of mine. we had an amazing time, lots of yoga and wonderful vegetarian food and workshops and i started to think about what i would do if i wasn’t so focused on having a baby. i might do my 500 hour teach training. I have 200 hours already so it would be an additional 300 hours. I could live at Kripalu for 9 days at a time, for 4 trips, or one month straight. i currently teach 2 classes per week and this wouldn’t change that, it would just be for my own expansion, my own experience, my own self discovery. it is so tempting. of course, it’s difficult to do this when a. you are married and b. you have a full time job and c. you are trying to having a baby which is requiring so much effort but if i was serious about it, i could make it work.
how far am i willing to go to have a pregnancy? if this doesn’t work, am i willing to do the donor process again? how many times? how will all of this change my relationship with brian? with my friends? with the world? when will i lift the pressure? is it self imposed? does brian want this as badly as i do? can i want it enough for both of us? where can i find some clarity? how can i not know exactly what i want?
the word kripalu means compassion and i am working on having some for myself.