sun is shining down, for sure

got some more optimistic news today.. my beta went from 109 to 393 in 4 days.  amazing news to hear, but still so very early.  i wonder when my heart will stop pounding. i think it will be like this all the way until 3 months, if i am blessed to make it that far. at least until i see a heartbeat, my heart will stay in its new home, my throat.  it’s so surreal, having to live my life while having this all going on… i am at my desk all day, coding, designing, phone calls, meetings and coffee runs with coworkers, lunch downtown… and as soon as i hang up with the nurse i am frantically googling ‘hcg levels and calculators’ and reading anything that comes up, completely preoccupied. it’s hard not to be.

I did read an interesting article that basically said, if you aren’t bleeding, are pain free and your numbers are roughly doubling every 48 hours, then take the advice of your doctor, let them tell you when to worry and if there is cause for concern. there is nothing you can do about anything right now, so it is what it is, try to relax.  i am going to try. Next beta will be thursday. We will be going north to VT with some friends on Saturday for a few days, i am not sure if there will be snow to ride on with the next few days being into the high 60’s, but we will enjoy some fresh air and mountainous scenery, the girls will knit and read trashy magazines, the guys will, um, do whatever guys do.  Not sure how i will feel about going if i get bad news on thursday, but i am trying not to think about it. Until then, i am trying to stay calm, meditate and focus on the present.  Tomorrow is St. Patty’s day. Maybe we will go out for some good vegetarian food for dinner instead of corned beef which we both hate. Right now i’m just settling into bed with the laptop to watch some light-hearted old movies, starting with Raising Arizona.

I am thankful for everything i have and everyone i have in my life at this very moment. I am thankful for my health. I am thankful for the teeny tiny life, the size of a poppy seed, nestling into my uterus. I am rooting for you.

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