it’s a beautiful day in connecticut. probably the best since the fall. its sunny and warm and little buds are filling in on all the trees. i found a beautifully bloomed crocus in my backyard this morning.. why hello little darling. it’s been a long dark winter, and this spring day is like when you are so thirsty, your throat is so dry and scratchy and it feels like the sides of your throat are all stuck together and all you can think about is a pint glass of icy cold water with a splash of pure organic cranberry juice. and when you finally get that water, it’s so utterly quenching and you relish in the coldness in your throat and you are so thankful for not being thirsty anymore. that is like today. hello glass of water.
i had another beta level drawn on thursday and it two days it went from 393 to 1019. i can’t believe it. i so want to believe the nurses when they called me and said, congratulations! this is so good! these numbers are wonderful! the donor nurse i had been working with in picking my donor and the last cycle called and said she was jumping up and down for me. she said even though she wasn’t doing my cycle coordination this time (since it was frozen) she didn’t stop following my case and she was so excited for us. she was so incredibly sweet but i feel like she accidentally called the wrong girl.
i called my therapist, since i don’t have an appointment for a few more weeks and wanted to keep her posted. i have been seeing her for over a year and she has seen me through 6 previous formal attempts at a pregnancy. the first thing she said to me was, it’s ok to be happy. (i guess the tone of the message i left her was very matter of face and not at all excited.) Your happiness now has no effect on the outcome of this pregnancy, so just allow yourself to celebrate this moment and be happy for it. Which, wow. i realized that i have been stuffing my happiness down inside, because if i wasn’t happy, maybe the universe wouldn’t notice and i could continue being pregnant under the radar. and it wouldn’t get taken away from me. silly, i know, because that’s not how these things work. so today, as i sit on the back deck with the sun shining down on my face, i will embrace this happiness. If i don’t, it won’t make any future sadness, less sad. for now, it’s ok to be happy.
I am praying and sending out positive energy and peace and light to all those still trying to conceive.