yesterday was in my top 5 of worst days ever. i had some spotting while i was at work and called the nurse from a hallway on a different floor. i was panicked. she asked me to come in, saying, “it’s not unusual, lets have a look, just so you can sleep tonight”… i went back to my office and pretty much did nothing except worry for the next 2 and a half hours. i met brian there that afternoon. i had a very bad feeling. even though i had had several great hcg levels, we still hadn’t seen a heartbeat yet, and i wasn’t scheduled to until Monday. I felt like my symptoms were weakening. brian was very sweet and optimistic, “it’s going to be ok, i love you.. let’s just see what the doctor says”… more waiting … waiting in the big room with other nervous anxious people, then more waiting in the little room, with less clothes on. the doctor came in and started the ultrasound. i held brian’s hand. she turned the screen around to show me the gestational sack. it was empty.
we are hugging each other and mourning this loss. it is a completely sobering experience. the journey is not over, we know we will try again with a new donor. it is frustrating that this big charade went on, that all the signs were there, that we were pregnant. it would have been so much kinder if it just didn’t work, and we were able to move on 2 and a half weeks ago. but we don’t get to choose. nothing in life do we really choose. brian reminds me, everyone’s life has a hard part. this is our hard part. everything else is easy. we do have a great life. i am so grateful for him in my life.