my hairdresser

my hairdresser brought some things to my attention today during my  haircut that i had kind of pushed way way back and tucked way down deep. two years ago, i find out my eggs are.. well, fresh out. i have a long talk with my sister and she selflessly offers hers. I decline, mostly because i think we aren’t mature enough as sisters to even share clothes, so how would we manage sharing eggs? i really didn’t give it much thought, i just jumped to the next thing, using an anonymous donor. flash forward, two years, two miscarriages of two pregnancies achieved with donor eggs, back in line for another cycle, found a donor with great results, all set to to begin in a few weeks. we sign the consent papers on wednesday.

today, at my salon for a highlight and cut. my hairdresser is also trying to get pregnant but things are not going as well for her as they are for me.. and if you read my blog at all, you know they are not going well for me. she is 47, has had 5 IVFs with her own eggs and is not going to be able to try again. she is single and she asked all of her 3 brothers to donate sperm for her and she would use a donor egg, so at least she could have a genetic link to this child. They all declined. She is upset because brother a doesn’t want kids of his own. and he has no reason to not donate for her. she doesn’t understand why.  brother b is married, just had a baby and is trying for another. brother c is married, had kids and had a vasectomy. she says, they have no idea what i am going through, no one told them they can’t have kids.

she doesn’t understand why i don’t want to use my sisters eggs. I tell her that my sister and i had a rough relationship growing up, she is 7 years younger, her existence forced me to grow up sooner than i should have, i had to always babysit and gave up a lot of a personal life when i was in high school. that is your mother’s fault, don’t blame your sister, she says. Ok, True. good point.

she asks me, if your sister calls you one day,  tell you she is pregnant but got into law school and doesn’t want to keep the baby, do you? Yes, of course i do, i adopt it, i tell her. so why won’t you take her eggs when she is willingly giving them to you?

a part of me doesn’t want to have my child and my sister share a relationship that i don’t. she tells me, you have to get over that.. but that is your own issue. you would rather use someone you don’t know anything about, that doesn’t share any blood with you, only because you are stubborn?

i have to admit that lately i have been recognizing that there is sadness in the fact that i won’t be connected genetically to this child. there really is. my hairdresser tells me that all her brothers kids look like her, especially the girls. i could see myself in this child, simply because she is my sister’s biological child, the only other person in the world that has the same genes as i do. My initial aversion to using her eggs is that we are nothing alike, look nothing alike, act nothing alike.  but i was so willing to share this amazing process with someone i will never meet, and i am overlooking sharing this process with someone who in the whole world knows me, loves me and would do this for me.

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