today is the one year anniversary of this blog and the 15 year anniversary of the death of my best friend. today brian and i went to sign the consent forms for my donor. my second donor. the last year has been one of the toughest of my life, some days i just wanted to lie on the floor and cry and scream and smash stuff and throw bits of it out the window and all over the backyard and i couldn’t believe that i had to get up and put on nice clothes and go to work and pretend to care about making gobs and gobs of money for the Man. the i began to realize everybody carries some shit around with them, everyone has losses and pain, everybody aches. i began to notice the beauty in the simple things, in the interactions with others, in the kindness of strangers and the love of my friends and family and after a year of leaning on brian, i was able to stand up straight and walk around on my own.
over the weekend i asked my sister if she would consider donating eggs to me. i asked her to think about it, to not answer right now, and i told her what it would involve. she said ultimately yes, but not right now. her life recently got complicated and i understand. i also understand that she really wants to help me, but how hard it must be to have to think about giving away your eggs. to know that my child is her child, when she has no children of her own. and knowing that when it comes her time to have kids, her eggs might be all gone, just like mine and how complicated it would be if i had a child with her eggs. I am ok with her decision. she said that if in one year, if i still don’t have any children, then yes, she would absolutely do this for me. at first i thought this was extremely selfish of her, how can she not do it right now because it’s logistically difficult, but after spending some time thinking about it, i think it’s immensely generous. how scary that must be for her to know that the day might come when she will be asked again to give up a huge part of herself, and that she would do it because she loves me so THAT much. I am entirely and utterly blessed.
Rae- I think about you all the time, i miss your laughter in my life, i am grateful for all the moments we were together. the trip to florida in 95 to see the Dead was one of the best times of my life and i will remember it forever. Sometimes I dream that i see you somewhere and i get to hug you and tell you how much I miss you. You are always smiling. Those are the dreams where I don’t want to wake up.