non-attachment

hate to say it, but i am attached. i am working on letting go and looking forward. today, i found out i have hypothyroidism. i had some routine annual bloodwork yesterday which ended up with an elevated TSH level. The nurse said they can treat it with supplements and it won’t stop me from continuing on with my next cycle. she really didn’t have a whole lot of information. i have to remember she is just a person who calls patients with their results, she is not a fortune teller or a psychic or God. I did some reading online on symptoms of an under active thyroid, and one in particular rattled around in my head like a fork in a garbage disposal. miscarriage. reoccurent miscarriage. like the TWO that i just went through. one year ago, my thyroid was normal and since then i have done two IVF cycles with donor eggs, both ending in miscarriage. i have tried to stop asking why. i was content with moving forward and honestly today is no different than yesterday, except yesterday i was under the impression that the eggs of the donor we used were bad quality. it now seems that possibly those losses could have been prevented if my thyroid was treated. i am working on detaching from those thoughts, working on moving forward as planned, my next transfer will be 4th of july weekend. i pray i will be liberated from this process. i am trying to be hopeful that with this knowledge we can cover all the bases, trying to be thankful that at least we know now and knowledge is power. i am trying to stop asking, what if?

brian picked me up in front of my building where i was talking to my mom on the phone, raising my voice over the downtown traffic, busses, fire engines, commuter noise.  she was very positive, “at least you know now…”  she doesn’t really let me live in the past. she often says, it is what is it, and she doesn’t often let me entertain what it’s not.  i am sure this is a tool that helps her cope, she doesn’t let me be sad because it pains her so deeply to see her child unhappy. maybe her bright side attitude is therapeutic for both of us.

in the car i told brian the whole story, what the nurse said, what i read online, what my mom said. he didn’t say much, except, things will be ok, going forward, though, right? they will treat you and watch you? at least he is not looking back.

i have been trying to lose weight for the last 9 weeks, and it has not been budging one bit. today i find it’s a side effect of my deficiency.  i am the first to admit i don’t really need to lose weight, i am 135 and 5’10 but 5 pounds would have been nice so i could start a pregnancy at a lower point.  i have been eating extremely healthy, only whole foods and lean fish, extra veggies, no sugar or refined carbs and running 3 miles a day to train for the 5k next week.  today i throw my hands up in the air and scream, fuck this!  i had brian swing by whole foods on the way home where we picked up a giant loaf of homemade crusty bread for dinner and half gallon of chocolate ice cream for dessert.

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