i spent a good long time on the back porch today, when the evening was first showing up. i tried really hard to be quiet, to be still and to just be. to breathe. i tried to meditate. it’s so hard to embrace the nothingness or this right-now-ness with all the fluttering around going on back there. bunnies grazing on clover patches, birds weaving in and out of the tall pines, hummingbirds making a tremendous racket with their wings and stirring up the air right above my head. it’s loud here in the hills of connecticut. i would like to be present. i would love to breathe it all in, to loosen my grip, to let go. there is a reason they call it “the present”.
today is day 5 past the transfer, no symptoms, no nothing. sometimes i think it will surely work, it so has to work, it worked twice before. then i start thinking that i’m not lucky enough for it work this time.