as we round the corner to 12 weeks i have been thinking about who we will tell of our amazing news and how. and what. should my family know about the fact that we used a donor? close friends?
we plan on telling the child, starting at age 3, so she will always know, know how deeply she was wanted, know that there are no secrets. for the last few weeks, I just assumed we would tell people of the donor when we tell of our pregnancy. “we’re having a baby! we found a egg donor that we really like and we are so excited!” I told my mom of the plans and she said she would support anything I wanted to do, but she didn’t think i needed to tell everyone, that i was focusing too much on the process and not on the product. That it doesn’t effect them, that it’s not relevant for them. We are having a baby. And they get to love it and watch it grow. Period.
It’s a shift in perspective for me not to include the donor when i tell people because for the last year, she’s all i thought about. I still think about her. And when I think of the baby I am having, I think of the photo i saw of our donor at the age of 4 or 5, taken in the early 80’s, standing outside in the dead of winter, in a snowsuit, smiling. It’s the only concrete connection I have to the donor. I wonder how this would be different had my own eggs created this life inside me. Do genetic parents think of themselves as children when they try to connect with the life inside themselves?
Brian and I had a conversation about it and i realize my perspective is shifting. Now it’s become more about the baby, not the process. But it’s taking time. Women I have talked with that are moms via donor eggs have said that they think less and less about the donor, now that they have carried their child, birthed their child, nursed and loved their child. I am so excited to see how this experience changes everything.