disclosure

as we round the corner to 12 weeks i have been thinking about who we will tell of our amazing news and how. and what. should my family know about the fact that we used a donor? close friends?

we plan on telling the child, starting at age 3, so she will always know, know how deeply she was wanted, know that there are no secrets. for the last few weeks, I just assumed we would tell people of the donor when we tell of our pregnancy. “we’re having a baby! we found a egg donor that we really like and we are so excited!” I told my mom of the plans and she said she would support anything I wanted to do, but she didn’t think i needed to tell everyone, that i was focusing too much on the process and not on the product. That it doesn’t effect them, that it’s not relevant for them. We are having a baby. And they get to love it and watch it grow. Period.

It’s a shift in perspective for me not to include the donor when i tell people because for the last year, she’s all i thought about. I still think about her. And when I think of the baby I am having, I think of the photo i saw of our donor at the age of 4 or 5, taken in the early 80’s, standing outside in the dead of winter, in a snowsuit, smiling. It’s the only concrete connection I have to the donor. I wonder how this would be different had my own eggs created this life inside me. Do genetic parents think of themselves as children when they try to connect with the life inside themselves?

Brian and I had a conversation about it and i realize my perspective is shifting. Now it’s become more about the baby, not the process. But it’s taking time. Women I have talked with that are moms via donor eggs have said that they think less and less about the donor, now that they have carried their child, birthed their child, nursed and loved their child.  I am so excited to see how this experience changes everything.

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2 responses to “disclosure

  1. I’m so happy to read that all is going well for you. I’ve been out of the loop because I was in the hospital on bedrest for a month an just gave birth to my DE IVF twins last week at 29 weeks. They are doing well. I was in the same boat at the beginning of my pregnancy telling everyone about the donor, but as the pregnancy progressed I started to just think about the babies. Of course, I think of her often and always hope that she is well, but I actually forget sometimes. The funny part is that my hospital roomie was an IVF veteran and we really bonded, but when I told her my history, the donor part just would not come out of my mouth. That is so not like me. We’re going to keep in touch, so I’ll come clean eventually. But why do I feel guilty that I kept this extremely personal information a secret from a virtual stranger? Why the need to tell? I like your mom’s take on it. She’s absolutely right. Like you, I plan to tell my kids as early as possible and all friends and family know. I’m interested in hearing how you decided to share your news.

    Take care of yourself.

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