the Wedge

Dear Helena,

Today you are 18 days old. Time seems to move at a faster pace now that you are here with us. It’s speeding by and each day i notice how you have changed from the day before. your hair has grown out a little bit over the tops of your impossibly small ears and it makes you look so grown up.

You were born on a friday and the day before daddy and I were waiting to go to the hospital to have you because you were very comfy in mommy’s belly and you didn’t want to come out so we had to start the eviction process. i didn’t mind having you in there for the 8 days you were late, but we were very anxious to meet you and introduce ourselves and i wanted to know exactly who was kicking me in the bladder from the inside for all those months.

The moment you were born, i reached down and pulled you up onto my belly and you screamed and screamed and i thought it was the most amazing thing i have ever heard. You were blue when i first saw you and so very long, 22 inches to be exact and when i scooped you up and held you to my chest you spilled over on both sides of me. You are so beautiful and your cheeks and lips look just like your dads. Your father leaned over to look at you and he said he was so proud of us, so proud of his family. Grandma was there, too, and she said please tell us her name now, for the love of God please tell me her name, and i told her you were to be called Helena Raegan, after her mother, and she cried and I cried and of course you were crying but mostly because you were cold and wet and in a new place with bright lights and loud noises and crying people.

We kept your name a secret for all those months, just a little secret between me and your dad. You are named after Grandma’s  mother, Helen, who was a wonderful grandmother to me, and who sadly you will never meet until we all go to heaven. She was a tall, thin woman with white hair and finger curls and she always wore plaid skirts. She never wore pants, not one day of her life.  Raegan is a name we gave you to honor mommy’s best friend from college who is also in heaven and who mommy misses very much. When you are older I will tell you all about her. Lots of stories I will tell you. Some I won’t tell you until you are very grown up cause I don’t want to give you any ideas.

We have lots of nicknames for you so we hardly call you by your name. We mostly call you honker, smelly, cutie pie, baby doll, sweet pea, cute face, Cutie McCute Pants, tiny tot, little worm, squirmy and your dad likes to call you “the wedge”. He says it’s because you have wedged yourself right in-between us, but i really think it’s because you have wedged right into his heart and you already have him wrapped right around your chubby little finger.

Lately we have spent a lot of late nights together, me and you. For the first week you were here, when you would wake in the night, we would go in the guest room and I would nurse you and we would watch Season 4 of Sex and the City. You really like Aiden you told me, and you can’t understand why Carrie would act like such a bitch to him.  One night we watched Finding Nemo, and you really loved it. Just keep swimming, swimming swimming, you would say. You are such a sweet little baby, you are contended and gentle and you just fit into our lives as exactly the piece that was missing.

Last night was a rough night for us, me and you. Daddy went back to work yesterday so we tried to let him sleep as much as possible since he gets really crankypants when he’s tired. We were up all night long, you and me. You didn’t want to go back to sleep after each feeding, so we cuddled and rocked in the rocking chair in your room and I sang you Grateful Dead songs. When you finally fell asleep as the sun was coming up, I put you back in your basinette in our room and climbed into bed with daddy and after a few moments of settling in, you and your dad both started snoring. If you ever wanted to start a band, you guys would make a bitching horn section.

I am hugging you, kissing you and drinking you in, every moment of the day, you are the best thing I have ever done with my life.

Love,
Mommy

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2 responses to “the Wedge

  1. What an incredibly beautiful post about an incredibly beautiful little girl. I have been following your blog for awhile as I have attempted to accept donor egg. You have made it a very easy decision! Thank you.

    • thank you for you comment! I am very excited for you to begin the process, having elle in my life has changed life in ways i could not imagine. I feel a bigger sense of connectedness to the world and all of life’s possibilities. Please keep me posted! Peace and Light to you!

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